How a shift in focus can shrink stress

A coaching client recently told me about what ‘keeps her up at night’. She heads a team within a professional services firm that provides advice and support around ‘mergers and acquisitions’. Typically, her team will be helping their own client decide whether to acquire or merge with another business, and on what financial arrangements and terms. Or they may be advising the business that’s being sold. Either way, it’s usually a substantial and valuable piece of work for my client’s firm, and the process can easily go on for 12–18 months.

However, it’s often not all plain sailing, and there can be bumps along the road. Sometimes, the deal won’t end up happening at all. And the thought of this, it turned out, was a major cause of stress for my coaching client.

When I enquired as to the common reasons for a deal falling over, I was told that the most common reason was the acquiring business pulling out as a result of their ‘target’ turning in some disappointing trading numbers.

I understand the concern and stress around this. A deal that collapses can mean months of hard work with little to show for it and real consequences for the firm and the team. The worry is entirely rational. But, at the same time, this is a classic example of someone stressing over something that is largely outside their control. In fact, a sense that we lack control is one of the most potent triggers of the stress response.

While it can be hard sometimes, I think it generally helps to remind ourselves of the things that are under our control and those that aren’t, and to concentrate our time and energy on the former. This is a central tenet of Stoic philosophy, and Stoic ideas are also widely acknowledged as forerunners of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT): both psychologist Albert Ellis and psychiatrist Aaron T. Beck pointed to the Stoics as an influence on their work.

So, what is under our control? Ultimately, just ourselves. How we think, respond and behave is really all that is under our direct control.

How does this help my client? My suggestion was that instead of giving energy to ‘what might go wrong’, she and her team might channel their efforts into doing their job to the best of their ability. Another way of thinking about this is not to focus on the outcome, but the process.

The Stoics had a neat way of capturing this. They would commit fully to a course of action while adding, in effect, ‘if nothing prevents it’. This is sometimes referred to as the ‘reserve clause’: give our all to what we’re doing, while holding the outcome lightly.

Earlier this year, I was getting set up in a client office where I was about to deliver a programme. One of the delegates turned up early, and we got chatting. He mentioned that his understanding was that the programme was a pilot, and I confirmed that that was indeed the case. He then commented, “No pressure, then.”

In reality, I did not feel under any pressure at all. It’s not that I’m impervious to stress, but I don’t get stressed about delivery – whether it be a keynote, masterclass or workshop. The setting, audience size and seniority don’t affect me, because my focus is not really on the audience response – it’s on what I am seeking to bring to the party and delivering maximum value. I relayed this sentiment to the delegate by saying that I was not worried about whether the pilot was a success or not; my chief ‘concern’ was preparing properly and getting decent sleep the night before. In other words, my focus was not on the outcome, but the process.

His response was, “That sounds like a very Stoic way of going about things.”

Focusing our attention on what we can control – rather than what we can’t – is a simple idea but a powerful one. It can take a lot of stress out of the circumstances and situations we find ourselves in and can help us be our best and do our best work, too.