Why 'selfishness' can actually be an act of selflessness

Some of the most capable and conscientious people I work with have something in common: they are exceptionally good at looking after others.

At work, they go the extra mile for clients, colleagues and the organisation. At home, they are there for their partner and children. Often, they are also the person friends turn to and the one who sorts things out for ageing parents. They are, in the best sense, service-oriented.

I like to see this quality in someone. I was recently reminded of a comment I once heard Elton John make about having children. If I recall correctly, he said one of the side benefits of having a family was that he spent less time thinking about himself.

There's real wisdom in that, and the world would be a worse place without people who put others first. But in my experience, a significant minority of people take it a step further: everyone else's needs are met before their own. And because the needs of others are almost limitless, there is rarely anything left over for them. I see this often in the corporate world and, in my experience, it's particularly common among mothers.

The hidden cost of putting ourselves last

When we consistently put ourselves at the bottom of the list, the basics are usually the first casualties. Sleep gets squeezed to make room for one more task. Exercise is deferred until things calm down, should that time ever come. Time to think, rest or do something purely for our own enjoyment – reading for pleasure or a long soak in the bath, for instance – can quietly evaporate.

This approach to life carries real risks. It can fuel a sense of overwhelm and unremitting stress, and steadily erode energy and wellbeing. And, perhaps ironically, neglecting ourselves can leave us less able – and even less willing – to meet the very obligations we care so much about.

One study found that people who had lost sleep – a common casualty of juggling competing priorities – were less willing to help others than when they were well rested. Brain imaging showed reduced activity in regions involved in understanding other people's needs. In other words, short-changing ourselves on sleep can make us less able to give to others – the opposite of what we intend.

A shift in mindset can make all the difference

I don't believe anyone needs to justify wanting to look after themselves. Our own needs and wellbeing matter in their own right. But the reality is that when someone takes more care of their own needs and wellbeing, everyone around them benefits. So, if you sometimes feel guilty about taking time for yourself, perhaps see it not as an act of selfishness, but of selflessness.

Reference: 

Ben Simon E, et al. Sleep loss leads to the withdrawal of human helping across individuals, groups, and large-scale societies. PLOS Biology. 2022;20(8):e3001733.